


Survivors' Guilt

by unsaltysaltines



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, I AM SORRY, Nicole is hurting, but also not sorry, i live for angst, possible trigger warnings for depression/PTSD/suicidal ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-08-02 09:30:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16302602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unsaltysaltines/pseuds/unsaltysaltines
Summary: It's difficult for Nicole to accept that she deserves a place on the team. Sometimes she needs Waverly to remind her that she belongs.Takes place post-3x03 and post-finale.





	Survivors' Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the agony of hiatus!
> 
> This was entirely inspired by [this Tweet](https://twitter.com/heathermgirls/status/1047988073051684864), and I couldn't resist a chance to dive back into Angsty Nicole.

The night they bury Dolls, Nicole can’t sleep.

 

When Waverly just can’t watch her sister try to drown herself in whiskey anymore, Nicole follows her upstairs to bed.

 

Long after Waverly falls asleep in her arms, Nicole is still awake and overwhelmed by the events of the day. She quietly slips out of bed and pulls on her warmest flannel, giving Waverly a gentle kiss on the cheek before leaving the room. A soft smile crosses Waverly’s face in her sleep, and Nicole wonders how she got so lucky.

 

Wynonna’s passed out in her armchair by the fireplace, her boots still on, the same way Nicole has found her so many nights before. She hardly notices when Nicole scoops her up and carries her to her bed.

 

Nicole sets her down and pulls Wynonna’s boots off her feet, prompting a string of words so slurred, Nicole can’t comprehend what she’s trying to say. Once she’s settled, Nicole grabs a blanket from the couch and heads outside.

 

The night air is like a slap to the face, but Nicole welcomes it as she settles on the top step of the porch. She pulls her blanket tight around her as she watches snow fall in the front yard, glad it held off until after the funeral.

 

Nicole’s entire body still aches from where she collided with the unforgiving rock of the cliff face.

 

Waverly hasn’t seen the bruises that are scattered across her stomach, but she’s not dumb-- Nicole can’t stop herself from flinching whenever Waverly’s fingers brush over a tender spot, and Waverly has definitely noticed.

 

The bruises just serve as a reminder of everything that was sacrificed that day.

 

“Damn it, Dolls,” Nicole says quietly into the night. “I don’t know how to do this without you.”

 

She’s honestly surprised the frigid air doesn’t freeze her tears on her cheeks. By and large, Nicole’s been able to hold herself together for the sake of the Earp sisters but now, alone in the quiet night, she lets herself fall apart.

 

“Baby?”

 

Waverly’s voice, still thick with sleep, startles Nicole. She turns around to see Waverly standing in the open front door, wrapped in her own blanket.

 

“What are you doing out here?”

 

“Just needed to clear my head,” Nicole says, her voice shaking.

 

“Can you come inside and talk to me?” Waverly asks. She crouches down beside Nicole and rests a hand on her shoulder. “About why you’re sitting out here when it’s -30º and snowing?”

 

Waverly helps Nicole to her feet, and Nicole realises just how cold she is.

 

“Baby, can we t-talk in the m-morning?” Nicole says, her teeth chattering.

 

“As long as you promise to tell me what’s going on in that beautiful head of yours.”

 

“I promise.”

 

Nicole kisses Waverly on the cheek, her nose ice-cold against Waverly’s face.

 

***

 

Nicole doesn’t have to work the next day, so she and Waverly spend the morning tangled up in each other, watching the snow fall outside while staying safe and warm in bed.

 

But no number of sweet nothings or lazy kisses can make Waverly forget the night before.

 

“What were you doing outside last night?”

 

Nicole sighs and rolls over onto her back. Waverly’s tenacity is one of Nicole’s favourite things about her, but the thought of telling Waverly all that’s been on her mind still sends her anxiety skyrocketing.

 

“Couldn’t sleep.” Nicole shrugs.

 

“Well, _that_ was obvious. Baby, it was _two in the morning_.”

 

“I guess I just keep thinking about Dolls,” Nicole says, quieter. “About that day on the cliff.”

 

Waverly watches as Nicole’s face clouds over with a familiar sadness. It’s the same sadness they’ve all been struggling with since they lost Dolls. It’s been hard-- almost impossible, really-- to make sense of it, and Nicole’s been trying so hard to take care of everyone else.

 

“What about it?”

 

Waverly leans over and gently runs her fingers down the side of Nicole’s face and Nicole leans into the touch with a sigh.

 

“Wynonna should have let me fall. Or I should have cut myself loose. _Anything_ that would have saved him.”

 

Her words hang heavy in the air between them. Nicole’s pulse picks up as she waits for Waverly to say something, _anything_. She wonders if Waverly can feel her heart pounding under where her hand rests on Nicole’s chest.

 

“Nicole…” Waverly begins slowly. “Why…”

 

“Because he was _Dolls_ . He kept us all together. He was the one who knew what to _do_.”

 

It’s hard for Nicole to find the right words, but she thinks Waverly understands.

 

“I’m not saying I _want_ to be…that I’d rather be…”

 

“Dead?”

 

There are tears in Waverly’s eyes as she finishes the thought Nicole can hardly bear to speak out loud.

 

“I would never…I never want to leave you, Waverly. But out of all of us? I’m the most expendable. And don’t say you’ve never noticed-”

 

“Of course I haven’t!” Waverly exclaims. She sits up and pulls Nicole up with her into her lap.

 

“Waves, what are you doing?” Nicole grumbles. She lets Waverly wrap herself around her body, leaning against the padded headboard for support. Their height difference usually means it Nicole who’s holding Waverly, but the reversal feels good this time.

 

“We are going to sit right here, and I am going to hold you close to me…” Waverly squeezes Nicole gently, pressing their bodies even closer together, “And we are not leaving this bed until you understand that you’re just as much a part of the team as everyone else. Okay?”

 

They spend the rest of the morning huddled in a nest of blankets. Waverly showers Nicole with words of love and affirmation, and with every kiss Nicole feels her guilt recede a little further into the background.

 

At least for now.

* * *

 Julian may have healed her, but the stab wound still left a scar on Nicole’s body. Nicole’s fingers ghost over it more often than she realises.

 

Wynonna spends more time at Nicole’s house than at the homestead. She, Nicole, and Jeremy spend every waking hour around Nicole’s kitchen table trying to figure out how they can get Waverly and Doc back from the garden.

 

And Nicole’s hand goes to the spot on her abdomen where Wynonna knows there’s a scar. Where an angel laid his hands on her and brought her back from the brink of death. _Again_.

 

When they’re lying sprawled out around the living room, searching desperately for answers, Wynonna notices how Nicole’s free hand often snakes just under the hem of her t-shirt and comes to rest where the Beekeeper’s knife plunged in, sometimes tracing the length of it absently while she talks.

 

Wynonna suspects there’s more going on with Nicole than she lets on. The way she talks, it sounds to Wynonna like she blames herself for what happened to Waverly. There’s never a good time to bring it up, and Wynonna doesn’t even know where to start.

 

Because she thinks she has an idea of what Nicole’s going through.

 

So Wynonna stays in Nicole’s spare room most nights too. She tells Nicole it’s because she doesn’t want her to go crazy talking to her cat, but Wynonna doesn’t want to be alone either.

 

As weeks pass with no luck, the weight on both Wynonna and Nicole’s shoulders grows heavier. Their leads keep leading them to dead end after dead end, and no matter how hard they try to keep their hopes up it feels like they’ll never get Waverly and Doc back.

 

***

 

_Nicole’s standing at the foot of the stairs, looking up at Waverly._

 

_“This is your fault.”_

 

_Waverly’s voice is cold and hard as she addresses Nicole. All the warmth is gone from her eyes, and from where she stands she shoots Nicole a withering stare._

 

_“I know,” Nicole gasps. The wound on her side has opened up once again, blood seeping through her fingers as she desperately tries to stem the flow._

 

_Julian’s sacrifice was for nothing._

 

_“You have the nerve to wear his ring on your finger when it was_ you _who drained his power!” Waverly cries._

 

_“Take it, Waverly! Please!” Nicole tries to take the ring off but it’s fused itself to her finger the same way it did to Waverly’s all those weeks ago. “I never wanted-”_

 

_“It’s too late.”_

 

_Waverly’s statement makes Nicole’s blood run cold. She feels herself grow weaker by the second, Waverly never moving from her place on the steps. It’s only when Nicole collapses on the ground and blackness starts to creep in at the edges of her vision that Waverly comes down, leaning close enough so she can whisper in Nicole’s ear._

 

_“It’s what you deserve.”_

 

_Nicole screams as everything goes black._

 

***

 

“ _HAUGHT!_ ”

 

There’s a pair of hands clutching Nicole’s shoulders in the darkness of her room. Nicole struggles against the grip, not realizing that she’s still screaming.

 

“ _NICOLE!_ ”

 

It’s Wynonna.

 

“Stop _fighting_ me!” Wynonna keeps one hand on Nicole’s shoulder as she reaches for the lamp beside her bed. “You’re _okay!_ ”

 

Nicole gasps for air as Wynonna turns on the light and she realises she’s not in the middle of the woods. She’s in her bed, tangled up in the sheets, and Wynonna’s sitting next to her looking like she’s seen a ghost, still holding tight to Nicole’s shoulder.

 

“You’re okay,” Wynonna repeats.

 

Nicole’s hands fly to her abdomen, frantically feeling to make sure she’s not bleeding out all over her sheets. Her entire body slumps with relief when she feels the raised, jagged scar, and suddenly she feels dizzy from the surge of adrenaline.

 

“It was just a nightmare,” Wynonna says softly.

 

Nicole can’t speak, but Wynonna doesn’t make her. She stays with Nicole until her heart rate returns to normal and she feels like she can breathe again.

 

“Do you…want to talk about it?” Wynonna asks tentatively.

 

“I can’t.” Nicole looks over at the clock beside her bed and groans when she sees it’s nearly three in the morning. “It was just…” She shudders, feeling a similar chill run through her body that she experienced in her nightmare. “It was so awful.”

 

“It’s okay, Haught stuff,” Wynonna said with a sigh. “I’ve been there.”

 

“You don’t have to sit up with me, you know,” Nicole says with a small smile. “I’m sure you’d rather-”

 

“Be experiencing my _own_ nightmares?” Wynonna laughs weakly. “I’m all set on that front.”

 

“Well, I think I’m gonna go make a cup of tea because I don’t think I can go back to sleep after…that. You want some?”

 

“Sure, why not?”

 

Wynonna follows Nicole downstairs, where she puts on the kettle and sinks down across from Wynonna at the kitchen table.

 

They’ve spent so much time going over theories and ancient texts at this same table. Wynonna studies Nicole as they wait for the water to boil; she’s watched her shoulders take on more and more weight the longer Waverly’s been gone, and tonight it’s like she’s been broken entirely.

 

“We’re gonna get her back, you know that right?” Wynonna asks gently, reaching out and taking Nicole’s hand. She runs her fingers over the black stone and elaborate silver engravings around the ring that’s been haunting them for months, wondering if there’s anything they might have missed.

 

“This ring…” she begins, not knowing where her sentence might go. “D’you think the ring might be…”

 

“…The key to opening the garden again?” Nicole finishes, her eyes flickering with a light Wynonna hasn’t seen since their last failed attempt to bring back the steps and open the garden weeks ago. She springs out of her seat and runs to the living room, where research materials are still scattered everywhere.

 

***

 

When Wynonna emerges from the door at the top of the stairs, supporting an exhausted-looking Waverly, Nicole thinks her knees might give out from underneath her.

 

Waverly collapses in her arms. She flings her arms around Nicole’s neck, and Nicole never thought something could taste as good as Waverly’s lips on her own once again. Without a second thought, Nicole slides one arm behind Waverly’s knees and carries her out of the woods bridal-style, with Waverly’s arms wrapped around her neck.

 

“I missed you so much,” Nicole murmurs into Waverly’s ear, quiet enough that Wynonna and Doc, who are staggering out behind them, can’t hear.

 

“You were the only thing that kept me going.” Waverly’s voice breaks, and as Nicole sets her down beside her cruiser her entire body starts shaking. She sobs into Nicole’s chest, overwhelmed by all that’s happened and by the fact that it’s all finally over.

 

Nicole holds Waverly until her sobs subside.

 

“Let’s go home, okay?”

 

***

 

_Clutching her side, Nicole staggers and falls at the foot of the steps, and Waverly lets out a chilling laugh before leaning down to pluck the ring off Nicole’s finger._

 

_“It’s what you deserve.” She whispers, her voice dripping with contempt._

 

_“Waverly…please…” Nicole begs. Blood is soaking through her uniform shirt, and Nicole’s grip is starting to weaken as she feels the life drain slowly out of her._

 

_“This is all your fault, you know.” Waverly perches herself on a step, toying with the ring and looking at Nicole with eyes so dark, it’s like Mictian all over again. “If Julian hadn’t used up all his power on_ you _…well…I might not have had to suffer in that garden for_ WEEKS _!”_

 

_“I know,” Nicole sobs. “Waverly, I know. I never meant…I never meant for any of this to happen…”_

 

_Nicole is desperate for something,_ anything _, to make the agony stop._

 

_“Please…please…”_

 

***

 

“ _…please_ ,” Nicole groans, _begs_ , over and over, as she twists away from Waverly in her sleep.

 

“Baby?” Waverly mumbles sleepily. Feeling the agitation beside her, she sits up to see what’s wrong.

 

Nicole’s curled up in a tight fetal position, her arms folded around her midsection like she’s in agony. She keeps begging an unknown someone to “make it stop,” and Waverly’s heart shatters.

 

“Baby,” Waverly murmurs, trying to pry Nicole’s arms from her stomach and wake her up as gently as possible.

 

As soon as Waverly touches her, Nicole screams.

 

“ _Nicole!_ ”

 

At Waverly’s shout, Nicole sits bolt upright, breathing heavily and very much awake.

 

“Baby, you’re okay,” Waverly says, straddling Nicole’s lap and taking her face in her hands. “I’m gonna turn the light on, okay?”

 

Nicole nods, trying to catch her breath as Waverly reaches over for the lamp. In the light she sees that Nicole’s cheeks are tearstained and her eyes are red, as though she was crying in her sleep.

 

“Waverly, I’m so sorry…” Nicole sobs. “I’m so, so sorry…”

 

“Baby, what do you mean?” Waverly leans in so her forehead is resting against Nicole’s. “You didn’t do anything.”

 

“This is all my fault,” Nicole whispers. “The ring and your father and-”

 

“ _What?_ ”

 

“It’s m-my fault he’s dead,” Nicole says as a fresh wave of sobs cascades over her. “He used the last of his power to…”

 

“To what?” Waverly gently kisses the crease that’s formed between Nicole’s eyebrows. As Nicole slowly reaches for the hem of her shirt, Waverly nudges her hand away so she can finish pulling it up herself.

 

She’s not expecting to see the jagged scar running along Nicole’s abdomen and around her side.

 

“One of the Beekeepers slashed me at the Gardner house. Doc found me and brought me back here and…I think I was dying. I was dying, and Julian…your father…he healed me. He brought me back, but it took everything from him. I’m the reason he couldn’t fight off Bobo, Waverly. I’m so sorry.”

 

Nicole’s voice breaks. She hasn’t said any of it out loud, but she knows it’s true. Julian sacrificed his power to save her, and Nicole doesn’t know what she did to deserve it.

 

Waverly stares at her girlfriend, mouth agape. No one had thought to fill her in on the specifics of what happened to Nicole before she was taken by the garden.

 

“He and Wynonna should have just let me die,” Nicole says quietly. Saying it out loud knocks the wind out of her. “Then none of this would have happened.”

 

“Nicole… _no_ .” Waverly breathes. “Please don’t think that I would _ever_ blame you for _any_ of this.” Waverly rests her forehead against Nicole’s, and tears start to blur her vision. “I can’t imagine my life without you.”

 

“I feel so guilty all the time, Waves. Every day you were gone, I wondered if Julian could have kept things from turning out like they did. I should have kept him safe…I should have kept _you_ safe.”

 

“ _Baby_.”

 

Waverly pulls Nicole into her and kisses her deeply. She kisses her over and over, her own tears mixing with Nicole’s as she tries to convey how desperately she needs Nicole here with her.

 

“I meant what I said, Nicole. I’m not losing anyone else I love. Charlie…Julian…he knew _exactly_ what he was doing in the barn.” Waverly slips a hand under Nicole’s shirt, coming to rest gently over the scar. It’s barely a graze, but Nicole flinches slightly, the searing pain in her nightmare still fresh. Her head snaps up to meet Waverly’s eyes, and Waverly sees fear flash across them briefly.

 

“Nicole…” Waverly began gingerly, not wanting to spook the other woman, “What were you dreaming about?”

 

Nicole tells her everything she can about the nightmare.

 

“And you’ve…”

 

“…been having them ever since you went away. They’re not always the exact same, but they _always_ end the same.” Nicole says quietly. “It’s always my fault. I always bleed out anyway.”

 

“And I always let you go.” Waverly finishes, feeling like she’s been kicked square in the chest. “I’m so sorry. You know I would never-”

 

“I know you’d never hurt me.” Nicole jumps in. “In reality, I know that. But I go to sleep, and it’s like…all that goes right out the window. It happened so many times that I started to wonder if my brain was trying to send me a message.”

 

That’s the best way she can put it. It’s like Julian’s death-- not once, but _twice_ \-- snapped something in her, and Nicole’s not sure if she’ll ever be able to move past the guilt she feels.

 

The guilt that feels like it’s eating her alive every time she dares to feel something remotely close to hope or happiness. That fed her nightmares all those weeks without Waverly, and has been lying dormant in the weeks Waverly has been back by her side, waiting for the perfect moment to come roaring back with a vengeance.

 

Everyone around her keeps dying and getting hurt, and she doesn’t know how to make it stop.

 

“It’s like Dolls all over again, isn’t it?” Waverly asks, suddenly recognising something familiar about everything Nicole’s telling her. Nicole nods, and Waverly sees tears start to slip down her cheeks.

 

A chill runs through Waverly’s body. She remembers how all the light seemed to go out of Nicole’s eyes as she tried so hard to step into his shoes and keep everyone else safe, too often at the expense of her own safety.

 

“I’m so tired, Waverly,” Nicole says, her voice ragged.

 

Waverly leans forward and kisses Nicole softly.

 

“Me too, baby.” She breathes in everything _Nicole_ , everything that she couldn’t get enough of before, but that she knows she’ll never be able to get enough of now. “Sometimes, I wish we could just run away. No more demons, no more curses…just you, me, and Calamity can come too I _guess_.”

 

At Waverly’s mention of the cat, Nicole laughs in spite of herself. Waverly grins at her, and Nicole’s stomach does that flip it does every time something reminds her that Waverly is _hers_.

 

“I meant it, you know…” Waverly says quietly. She runs her fingers along the length of the scar, and Nicole shivers at the contact. “What I said before everything…happened.”

 

“It was gonna be a yes.”

 

“Was?” Waverly looks up to meet Nicole’s huge, brown eyes. “Did you…?”

  
“No, Waves, I didn’t change my mind.” Nicole cradles the back of Waverly’s head as she kisses her again. As she tangles her fingers in Waverly’s hair and tightens her hold on the woman she loves, she feels the hand that’s still resting on her abdomen press gently on the spot where Nicole got a second chance. “It’s still a yes. For you, it’ll _always_ be a yes.”

**Author's Note:**

> A million thanks to [@blankagenda](https://twitter.com/blankagenda) for letting me bug them incessantly and bounce ideas off of them for how I could best torment Nicole.
> 
> I have so many ideas for this hiatus, and I promise not _all_ of them involve Angsty Nicole.
> 
> Feel free to come yell/throw tomatoes at me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/unsaltysaltines) and [Tumblr](https://sheriff-haughtpants.tumblr.com)!


End file.
